Ten (10) Signs Your Date Is Not Going Well

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Everyone dreams of a date where it seems like nothing in the world could make the experience more blissful (not even your favorite band descending from the roof of your favorite restaurant). In reality, though, most dates are uncomfortable and the you would rather replace that awkward silence with a stadium full of screaming Wizkid’s fans. These are the 10 signs your date isn’t going to end like a Disney movie:

1. She’s late and makes you wait at least an hour, updating you with smss about her state of undress, levels of stress, what a day she’s had while you wait patiently… resisting a third beer. “lolz! sorreeee!!!! 😉 xoxoxo”.
Verdict: Tardiness means she probably doesn’t really care about you or the date and that’s a bad signal to receive before the date has even really begun.

2. Your ill-advised opening line is “hello sugartits!” and then you remember that she wasn’t the one girl in the club who found that funny when you met. Explaining yourself is futile.
Verdict: Tequila-induced amnesia on your part and sense of humor failure on hers. You, as a collective, are doomed.

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3. You greet her with a hug and a kiss. The hug turns into a fatherly one, brief and with three taps on the back, as if she just won the school spelling competition. The kiss is awkward, and you deliberate between mouth or cheek, but land up on her nostril.
Verdict: It’s early jitters. Indulge in some small talk, have a few toots and you might be passionately kissing like you’re in The Notebook in no time.

4. She goes to the loo. half an hour later you find her doing body shots with the touring Waratahs front row. Claims she’s a fan of their work fighting the Japanese fishing fleets.
Verdict: Doesn’t follow rugby; hasn’t heard of national pride; may have a drinking problem.

5. She happily and consistently halts conversation to answer her phone, respond to sms’s and send emails.
Verdict: A date is time put aside to spend with someone else. If she was into you her friends, family and the rest of her life could wait for an hour or two. There are of course exceptions though, so don’t throw a tantrum if she does pick up her phone once or twice.

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6. You’ve re-enacted Monty Python, Eddie Izzard, Kurt Schoonraad and shoved breadsticks up your nose, but she has barely broken a smile. Crickets keep breaking into song.
Verdict: Her sense of humour does not match yours in the slightest (and if you’ve really resorted to shoving food up your nose, we don’t blame her).

7. You agreed to go out for dinner but she says she ate some lettuce and a radish earlier and is as stuffed as her favorite fluffy toy. Proceeds to tell you about Mr. Binky, who rules over her bed and her scatter cushions.
Verdict: She doesn’t like the food at the restaurant you’ve picked, she doesn’t want to sit through an entire meal with you or she has an Alice-In-Wonderland complex.

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8. When answering a call, she either starts speaking in another language that you don’t know, or starts spouting code words like, “I repeat, code red Samantha. This is not a drill.”
Verdict: She’s just not that into you.

9. She says, “oh…” (tone fading with disappointment)… “you look so… different to what I imagined.”
Verdict: You’re not the guy you portrayed yourself to be but that doesn’t mean the date is doomed. Next time, update your profile to look more like you so she isn’t left squinting her eyes and turning her head slightly to the left to identify you.

10. She leaves with the flimsy excuse and goes to their hotel. Keeps calling hr friends.

Verdict: She obviously found the better option for her. At least she got you an autograph though. That will make for an epic date disaster story.

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